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While giving M.E.B. a bath this morning, two potato-shaped objects emerged from beneath the soapy water. They didn't look like any of the usual toys M.E.B. shared her baths with. When M.E.B. noticed the now floating objects, she slid herself to the back of the tub, pointed at them and exclaimed “Yucky!” I immediately realized the two objects weren’t toys.

I am a product of my generation so of course the first thing that came to mind was the pool scene from the movie Caddyshack. To prevent a mass panic I calmly removed M.E.B. from the tub and cleaned her thoroughly with a washcloth and soap. I then got her dressed and planted her in front of an episode of Dora The Explorer so she would be occupied while I took care of the situation.

Situations such as this aren’t covered in any of the books on parenting we own. They’re not addressed in the pre-parenting classes they require you to take at the hospital. There are many things to take into consideration when facing such an emergency, yet quick action is needed as with each passing second the objects floated in the water, they were posing a great risk to the safety of her toys that still remained in the tub. What was the family of yellow rubber ducks to do? Or the little plastic people that M.E.B. forced into her bath? I couldn’t desert these inanimate creatures that, through no choice of their own were flung into each bath to make M.E.B.’s cleaning more enjoyable.

There was no time for a detailed plan. I’d have to rely on my instincts and creativity. I rushed back to the bathroom. The two objects seemed to be slowly chasing the rubber ducks around the tub while the little plastic people hid at the bottom. I must say that I was quite impressed with the attitude of the ducks and little people as they had the same wide smiles on their faces as they always seemed to have.

I knew that in order to fix this situation I’d have to risk my own hygiene. You can’t win a war without sacrifice. So, I reached into the water and pulled the drain plug to begin emptying the contaminated water. Next, came the most difficult part; the removal of the objects. I grabbed a large wad of toilet paper and smothered the first one, removing it from the water and disposing it in it’s appropriate place; the toilet. The second one would be more difficult for it seemed to know something was up and decided to try a divide and conquer strategy. Fortunately, I had enough toilet paper to contain both and removed them, also transferring them to their holding cell; the toilet.

The trial of these objects was quick, with me serving as the judge, jury, and executioner. With the pressing of a silver colored lever, they were sent away for life.

While justice was being done, the water had drained from the tub and I removed the ducks and little people. I dropped them in a bucket and filled it with hot water and a strong disinfectant. Again, I was impressed with their positivity as they continued to smile. The objects had left remnants in the tub of their brief, yet powerful existence. I collected these remnants with more toilet paper and sent them to re-unite with their makers. I then sprayed disinfectant in the tub and scrubbed it. I did this again and again and again and again and again until I became dizzy from the fumes. I then turned the shower on to give the tub a final rinse. The ducks and little people continued to soak. I turned off the shower and went to check on M.E.B. who was staring at the Dora The Explorer video.

I haven’t taken a shower today and don’t know if I will, at least until the fumes from the disinfectant clear which might take a while. I rest assured in knowing that the invaders of my daughter’s bath have been sent to their rightful place. The ducks and little people seem to be recovering nicely, drying on a towel, still smiling. Yet, I worry that I’ll never be able to see M.E.B.’s baths in the same way. I know M.E.B. will recover fine. Kids are resilient. As much as I like the ducks and little people, I fear that our relationship may be contaminated (no pun intended) for life.